Forgive and forget?

Should you forgive an affair? Yes, argues Helena Frith Powell

Ronan Keating’s wife Yvonne says she finding it difficult to forgive him for having an affair. Well here’s a thought, maybe it’s just not about her.  There are children involved here and maybe what is best for them should be the most pressing factor to take into consideration, over and above her hurt feelings.

I am not condoning Ronan’s behaviour, but there are many more serious things a man can do than have an affair. My husband having an affair would not mean  an end to our marriage. My husband beating me, or abusing our children, would.

Admittedly I am coming from a Continental European background. My father is Italian (his motto being if you are faithful to one woman you are unfaithful to all the others) and I lived in France for ten years where not having an affair can be grounds for divorce. But I do think this puritanical view towards love and sex is slightly tedious. And potentially very damaging if, as it often does, it results in the break-up of the family.

Marriage for the vast majority of couples is not an endlessly exciting and exhilarating ride. After a few years and a few children it is not so much erotic as exhausting.

So people start looking elsewhere for that frisson, that passion that they once shared with their spouse. It is not the end of the world, it doesn’t actually mean they love their spouse any less or that they want to split up with them, it is just that they need that little but of spice.

A friend of mine had an affair with a colleague a few years ago. She and her husband were going through a rough patch, he was unemployed and she felt all the pressure was on her to support the family. Her affair was her outlet. It ended when her husband found out, but they both say now it was the saving of their marriage. He got the kick-start he needed to get out and get a job and she got through a bad patch with the help of a harmless distraction.

If only couples like the Keatings would see affairs for what they are and not the calamitous life-changing event they turn them into, they might be a lot happier. And so would their children.