Britain’s strictest headteacher says discipline starts at home. So… Are parents to blame for pupils’ bad behaviour?

By Helena Frith Powell  

Should your child behave badly, it’s probably your fault. I write as a mother of two girls who used to dread parents’ evening — it was one protracted and painful apology.

One of the problems is the misguided notion nowadays that we should treat our children like friends; that they are our equals and have as much say in what goes on as we do, sometimes more. But we are not pals, we are their parents, and we owe it to them to act as such.

I totally agree with Barry Smith, otherwise known as Britain’s strictest headmaster, who observes that some parents seem scared of their children.

In these anti-disciplinarian times, where ‘strict’ is synonymous with ‘bad’, parents seem nervous about telling their children what to do; to use that dreaded word ‘no’; or even to teach them basic manners.

A friend of mine no longer wants to meet up with her sister and their combined three children because her nephew is appallingly behaved. Yet her sister always dismisses his feral behaviour as the little darling ‘expressing himself’.

Another friend told me her six-year-old granddaughter had decided not to come away on holiday with them as she wasn’t yet quite ready to travel without her mother.In reality, the buck stops with parents 

‘She might come next year,’ my friend told me, as if the girl was leafing through travel catalogues picking her own hotel. ‘She’s going to think about it.’ Why on earth was this decision left to a child?

Children like rules and boundaries. They make them feel safe and give the impression that someone is in charge. We joke about ‘snowflakes’, but when a teacher can’t tell a child how to behave for fear of offending them or affecting their mental health, it’s gone too far. These children are unlikely to grow up into nice or robust adults. They will find the real world one hell of a shock.

Most people, if asked who is responsible for their upbringing, will name their parents. That is why I don’t understand parents who blame everyone but themselves for their children’s behaviour. In reality, the buck stops firmly with them.

In his book 12 Rules For Life, the clinical psychologist Dr Jordan Peterson includes a chapter entitled: ‘Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them.’

It’s excellent advice and extremely easy to follow, if you’re brave enough. My girls are now both lovely adults aged 21 and 22, but oh how I wish I’d followed such wise counsel when they were little.