When I was last in London I had lunch with an editor I work for at the Daily Mail. Thankfully the credit crunch has not yet hit Derry Street. As we sipped our champagne he asked me if I ever read Allison Pearson’s column in the paper.
“Yes,” I replied.
“And what do you think?” he asked.
“I think how much more amusing I could be.”
And how much more amused. It has to be said, hers is a dream job. Apparently she earns around a quarter of a million pounds a year for a weekly page and has a full-time researcher to help her. She gets to write about anything she wants to and millions of people read what she has to say. But I don’t resent her, in fact I think she’s rather good. And she did write that very funny book (with cop-out ending though) called I don’t know how she does it.
“What do you think of Liz Jones?” asked my editor.
I almost had to down my champagne in one. This is a woman I really do resent. I find her futile, irritating, boring and totally self-obsessed.
“I hate her so much I won’t even click on her stories online in case her rating goes up,” I told him.
For some reason the powers that be at the Mail think otherwise. They have turned her into a star; their star. She always has some drivel in there, invariably about her. Her and her ex-husband, her and her horse, her and her underwear, her and her move to the country. Today the top slot online is dedicated to a story about her and her assassination attempt. Yes someone tried to shoot her (not me, I promise). Actually they shot her mailbox. She was in New York at the time (like you are) so in no immediate danger.
But why have they decided this talentless woman who seems to live through the press a la Jade Goody is someone worth turning into a star columnist?
“Why not me?” I asked Rupes.
“You’re too posh,” he told me. “Drop the Frith. I know, call yourself Wright.” (His surname)
He has a point. I remember being on some morning breakfast show once when one of the other participants turned to me and said “nobody likes a toff”.
I am not a toff. And anyway, even if I were, now that an Old Etonian is about to become Prime Minister, surely they are all the rage?
But while I wait for my chance I figure my best bet is to write a hugely successful book along the lines of Allison Pearson’s and then take her job when she retires. Either that or wait for the mystery mailbox gunman to strike again….
Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2009
I think your use of the adjectives : futile, irritating, boring and totally self-obsessed is very restrained in view of what we’re dealing with here.
Cruella de Vil incarnate. And the photo is way TMI.
I wouldn’t actually put you and either L.J. or A.P. in the same category; your writing is vastly superior.
helena,
You are a better writer than her and look classier! I never understood why someone wanted to write about drivel when there are so many important things that one can write about…. family, children and friendship for example. Continue to take the high road!
Ha!
Well, you know my opinion of them both. AP, drives me to ranting and Liz just leaves me bemused. Did you read the one when she tried to ‘eat like a normal person’ and not be anorexic and keep looking ‘gorgeous’. What a waste of an assassination attempt, i would have been a far better shot.
You, however, always keep me innerested and raise a smile. We should start a campaign.. And tell rupes that we see straight through him.
Aaahhhh – thank you girls. I feel less bitter already. Maybe they hired her because she gets such strong (mainly negative) reactions from people? You should see the story she wrote about it, harping on about how she would have to fire all her staff if she left and who would that benefit exactly…her gardener and her groom among others….I mean you must know that saying that is going to make people want to kill you, surely?
Hx
I once read that when she fell down the ugly tree she hit a rookery on the way. She’s whiny, self-obsessed and plain rude I can’t stand her either. And she only eats dry cereal! No wonder the husband upped sticks. I will join your campaign Noch.
PS H&R Three weeks to go and I’m a granny.
Oh Helena, you really shouldn’t compare yourself them either of them! Your writing is ten times better and, let’s face it, LJ is barking mad :o)
Don’t you dare lower your standards or change your noble moniker for the plebian pursuit of fithy lucre.
We, who appreciate your consumate writing skills, inestimable wit and exquisite feminine charm, get little enough of your refreshing submissions, and though we have to trawl the media in search of such gems, the finds are most rewarding. The “Mail” is going to the dogs anyway!
Only ‘going’ Phillip? You underestimate them!
Janet Street Porter really puts Liz Jones in her place in the Mail today in a well put together piece. I can understand to an extent the interest in a fashionista townie moving alone to the country and can see why an editor might think there was material there. But her ridiculous and often downright condescending approach to life a la campagne has surely garnered more publicity than even she dreamt of? I never followed the columns detailing the relationship with the Sikh boyfriend/ex-husband but people tell me that was cringe inducingly embarrassingly. And she supposedly made a fortune out of airing her very dirty linen in public.
Another columnist who irritates the hell out of me is Bryony Gordon in the Telegraph. Talk about stating the blimmin’ obvious in 11 plus level language. I know a 12 year old who can write better than she can.
You get hamster cheeks like that on cereal only?
Very funny Jules! Thank you all again for your kind words. Have you seen Rachel Johnson (another one who’s job I wanted when she was at the Sunday Times) has written a huge spread about it today in the Mail? And she even mentions my first love, Willie. Can they milk this any more? Pardon the pun….
Hx
Liz Jones and her drivel. That made me think of a Dorothy Parker’s quote:
When asked to use the word horticulture during a game of Can-You-Give-Me-A-Sentence, Parker replied: You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
Brilliant! I love it, good old Dorothy.
Hx
I hope Liz Jones won’t mind being referred to as garden variety…
She has been referred to as much worse!
Variety headline news today: Army Archerd dies. He was 87. And the opposite of what Liz Jones is. “He was known for being fair, quoting people accurately and being generally upbeat — which, in the latter part of the 20th century, became increasingly rare for an entertainment reporter.” Army Archerd was also handsomely paid but deserved every penny he earned. He will be missed.
Well, I don’t know either of these woman or what they write about. I read your book “All you need to be Impossibly French” (North American title of 2 Lipsticks – which is a FAR better title. What is wrong w/people here?) and loved it. Googled you and became a fan of your blog.
Being Canadian, I don’t understand the “toff” comment, however I adore your blog and think that North Americans would dig you too w/out any thought of your “toffness”. They’d probably chalk whatever that is to that intangible European quality we can be so enamored with.
Don’t know how you get play over here. But when you do, you’ve already scored a fan this side of the pond.
You rock sista!
Allison
Thanks Allison! I will look you up if I ever come over that way for sure. You rock too!
Hx
I assume you saw her latest vitriolic rant (Daily Mail, 17/09/09) ‘I hate posh women’.
Perhaps you could write the sequel : ‘I hate ugly embittered old hags’…
I did indeed and did you see today she is writing about body hair…am amazed it sticks around long enough to show Hx