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Welcome to Hell

18th September 2007 by Helena 5 Comments  

It was just like thisI knew we’d arrived in Hell when I saw Tara Palmer-Tomkinson teetering about with a glass of cheap champagne on improbably high heels.

We were in a semi-marquee where there was a make-shift bar and Z-list celebs waiting to be ushered into Hell’s Kitchen. There was no door.

“I thought hell was meant to be hot,” said Mary.

A production assistant came up to us.

“You see, the thing is,” she said in that Estuary voice favoured by TV production assistants. “I can’t find you anywhere on our list.”
I thought briefly about strangling her, or pushing my way past security and strangling Marco, but instead I told her to go and strangle Marco and tried to stop my teeth from chattering for long enough to drink my champagne (which by the way I had to dilute with cranberry juice to make it taste better).

Our surroundings were not salubrious. They were, frankly, pretty shabby. And freezing cold.

After another half an hour we were told we could go in but would have to share a table with another couple and it would be quite a squeeze as it was a table designed for two. Talk about star-treatment. So in we walked.

“And we’re on air between 9 and 10.30 so try not to walk around,” added the production assistant.

“I’m not going anywhere else in these shoes,” said Mary. As she said that she stopped dead. In fact she wasn’t going anywhere as her heel was caught in the grill by the door to the set. There was no budging it. Three burly security guards tried but were worried they would snap the heel off.

“I knew these shoes would be the star of the show,” said Mary.

Eventually a pair of pliers was found and the heel extracted.

Our dinner companions were a charming young couple. Jeff had just signed a big deal with Marco for Unilever.
The dinner was less charming. After a long wait the courses came thick and fast. So thick and fast that you didn’t have time to finish one before the other arrived. The food was mediocre but we were told that originally they were just planning canapés for last night so we were lucky to be fed at all.

We weren’t interviewed at all (and why not I ask myself, we were by far the most interesting and attractive people in the room) but when Mary snuck to the look to call her husband he confirmed that her hair was on TV. After dinner a totally charmless security guard walked around shouting at everyone to clear out. We were only saved by Marco’s appearance.

Afterwards there was an “exclusive” party. This was about as exclusive as an event in a student bar and had all the same charming elements like plastic glasses and people dressed as if they were about to go camping. I was longing to get out as soon as possible. We tried to get a taxi. After waiting almost an hour we were told there was no hope. We looked out into the pouring rain and wind. In the distance I spotted a familiar car. Marco’s driver was there. We piled into his car with a sigh of relief. There was heating, comfortable seats and no Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

Next time someone asks me to go on a reality TV show, remind me to say no.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007


Filed Under: TV, blog --> Tagged With: welcome

5 thoughts on Welcome to Hell

  • Jonathan Miller says:
    19th September 2007 at 4:34 pm

    This sort of disillusion with the media fast scene is very admirable.

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  • Ann says:
    6th June 2010 at 4:41 am

    Hi Helena,
    just finished reading your book. You made me laugh often and very thoughtful other times. Anti-aging is a mind stage and yes, it can be supported by supporting the industry. Yet, one fundamental Q remains- Why are we doing this to us and have stopped living a natural life? Rupert seems to have gotten it without the pain and the old lady in the hospiatl too. The medical and other companies, individual Doctors and Specialists, well thank you for your talents but once you are reading the book or seeing the unpleasant results of the doing of ‘experts’, well, life is great without all the additional pain just for either temporarily looking young or being made the laugh of the century. Thanks to the book, which I found in Dubai on a short break, my way of living will certainly not taking this turn of spending time, money and experiencing pain, more so. Life is great and a healthy attitude, exercise and a well-balanced diet can bring wonders, not to forget a good nights sleep and scaling down on stress. This is common knowledge often forgotten thanks to all the exposure to the media of our days. You have brought things back, even with the trying and I believe, no, you won’t go through all this again. Love is a wonderful age stopper and you are loved by your family and friends.
    Thanks for the book.

  • helena says:
    6th June 2010 at 4:46 am

    Thanks for the comment Ann, I think I am more in tune with the natural approach too having gone through all that.
    Hx

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Helena Frith Powell was born in Sweden to a Swedish mother and Italian father, but grew up mainly in England. She is the author of eleven books, translated into several languages including Chinese and Russian. She wrote the French Mistress column The Sunday Times about life in France for several years. She is a regular contributor to the Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday, The Times, Daily Telegraph, Tatler Magazine and Harper’s Bazaar.

Helena has been the editor of four magazines, including M Magazine, a supplement for the Abu Dhabi-based National Newspaper and FIVE, a high-end fashion glossy, also published in Abu Dhabi. Helena was also editor-in-chief of 360 Life, a quarterly glossy magazine published with the Sports 360 Newspaper in Dubai, part of the Chalhoub Group.

Helena contributes regularly to UK-based newspapers and magazines and holds a Masters in Creative Writing from the University of Cambridge. She is working on a thriller set in Sweden as well as a novel about the relationship between Virginia Woolf and Katherine Mansfield called Sense of an Echo.

In 2022 her short story The Japanese Gardener came second in the Fish Publishing Short Story Prize. One of her stories was also shortlisted for the Bridport Short Story Prize. When she’s not writing, she works as a headhunter for the media and entertainment industry for the Sucherman Group. 

Helena, who was educated at Durham University, lives in the Languedoc region of France with her husband Rupert and their three children.

Bibliography

More France Please, we’re British; Gibson Square 2004

Two Lipsticks and a Lover 2005; Gibson Square (hardback)

All You Need to be Impossibly French; (US version of above) Penguin 2006

Two Lipsticks and a Lover; Arrow Books (paperback) 2007

Ciao Bella Gibson Square; (hardback) 2006

Ciao Bella Gibson Square; (paperback) 2007

So Chic! (French version of Two Lipsticks) Leduc Editions 2008 (also translated into Chinese, Russian and Thai)

More, More France; Gibson Square 2009

To Hell in High Heels; Arrow Books 2009 (also translated into Polish)

The Viva Mayr Diet; Harper Collins 2009

Love in a Warm Climate; Gibson Square 2011

The Ex-Factor; Gibson Square 2013

Smart Women Don’t Get Wrinkles; Gibson Square 2016

The Arnolfini Marriage; Amazon Kindle December 2016

Smart Women Don’t Get Wrinkles (paperback); Gibson Square spring 2018

The Longest Night; Gibson Square spring 2019

 

 

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