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A bike, a fence or a woman?

26th November 2007 by Helena 1 Comment  

A man in London last week was arrested for trying to have sex with a fence. This wasn’t just any fence, it was in Leicester Square Gardens. I know the fence, and very attractive it is too.

Apparently Daniel French, aged 24, told police “I’m going to have sex with that fence.” “Oh no you’re not,” said the police and dragged him off.

The week before a “cycle-sexualist” (what quango came up with that ridiculous phrase) was caught half-naked in a compromising position with a bicycle in Scotland.

You's as fast as yer car?What I want to know is this: whatever happened to a good old-fashioned hooker? My mother has just moved to Italy and she lives in the middle of nowhere. “If you get lost,” she tells visitors, “ask the villagers for la puttana, I live just above the whore.”

My mother tells me the hooker arrives in her “office” just before 7am, parks up and stays all day. “She doesn’t even take time off for lunch, which I think is when she’s busiest.”

I imagine in my mother’s village fences and bicycles and other inanimate objects can sleep safely at night….


Filed Under: Italy, Life, blog --> Tagged With: fence, woman

One thought on A bike, a fence or a woman?

  • snusmormor says:
    26th November 2007 at 6:53 pm

    I have always said that if you want the attention of an englishman, you’re better off being a cricket bat than a woman!

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Helena Frith Powell was born in Sweden to a Swedish mother and Italian father, but grew up mainly in England. She is the author of eleven books, translated into several languages including Chinese and Russian. She wrote the French Mistress column The Sunday Times about life in France for several years. She is a regular contributor to the Daily Mail, Mail on Sunday, The Times, Daily Telegraph, Tatler Magazine and Harper’s Bazaar.

Helena has been the editor of four magazines, including M Magazine, a supplement for the Abu Dhabi-based National Newspaper and FIVE, a high-end fashion glossy, also published in Abu Dhabi. Helena was also editor-in-chief of 360 Life, a quarterly glossy magazine published with the Sports 360 Newspaper in Dubai, part of the Chalhoub Group.

Helena contributes regularly to UK-based newspapers and magazines and holds a Masters in Creative Writing from the University of Cambridge. She is working on a thriller set in Sweden as well as a novel about the relationship between Virginia Woolf and Katherine Mansfield called Sense of an Echo.

In 2022 her short story The Japanese Gardener came second in the Fish Publishing Short Story Prize. One of her stories was also shortlisted for the Bridport Short Story Prize. When she’s not writing, she works as a headhunter for the media and entertainment industry for the Sucherman Group. 

Helena, who was educated at Durham University, lives in the Languedoc region of France with her husband Rupert and their three children.

Bibliography

More France Please, we’re British; Gibson Square 2004

Two Lipsticks and a Lover 2005; Gibson Square (hardback)

All You Need to be Impossibly French; (US version of above) Penguin 2006

Two Lipsticks and a Lover; Arrow Books (paperback) 2007

Ciao Bella Gibson Square; (hardback) 2006

Ciao Bella Gibson Square; (paperback) 2007

So Chic! (French version of Two Lipsticks) Leduc Editions 2008 (also translated into Chinese, Russian and Thai)

More, More France; Gibson Square 2009

To Hell in High Heels; Arrow Books 2009 (also translated into Polish)

The Viva Mayr Diet; Harper Collins 2009

Love in a Warm Climate; Gibson Square 2011

The Ex-Factor; Gibson Square 2013

Smart Women Don’t Get Wrinkles; Gibson Square 2016

The Arnolfini Marriage; Amazon Kindle December 2016

Smart Women Don’t Get Wrinkles (paperback); Gibson Square spring 2018

The Longest Night; Gibson Square spring 2019

 

 

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