The return of Heathcliff

In the 1980s there was a group of young people who used out to hang out in the King’s Road trying to look cool. We went shopping, we went to clubs, we fell in and out of love. Evenings would start at Pucci Pizza, where we would gather to discuss where to go that evening. There was Ben and Miggy, Andrew and George, Marco, Tammy, Louise and me. Ben and Miggy went on to form Curiousity Killed the Cat; Andrew and George formed Wham! (they were known to our crowd as “the wallies from Wham”); Marco went off to work at Le Manoir in Oxford and is better known these days as ‘three star Michelin chef Marco Pierre White’; Tammy set up Jimmy Choos and made millions; Louise became a top model, started taking heroin and died alone in a council house at the back of Habitat.

And there was me. I went to Durham University and then became the world’s worst financial journalist. I was desperate to show that I was serious. God knows why. When my husband, then a colleague, asked why I didn’t work at somewhere more suited to my talents, such as Tatler or Harper’s, I was bitterly offended and didn’t talk to him for a week.

Olivier as HeathcliffAnd then there was Heathcliff. Of course he wasn’t really called Heathcliff, but as I always thought of him as Heathcliff let’s stick with that.

I first saw him at the bar at Pucci Pizza, in fact I think it was Marco who introduced us. Heathcliff was tall, dark, handsome, druggy, sexy, well-built, rich, funny, intelligent; your average 17-year-old girl’s dream and everyone else’s nightmare. From that moment I was in love. But in love in a way that only a teenage girl can be. Totally obsessed is closer to the truth. If he didn’t show up one night my life was ruined. I even started to take drugs to get closer to him, although I have always hated drugs and hated the feeling of losing control. If he talked to me I felt like I was floating (with or without drugs). He was the most compelling man I had ever met. The way he looked at me made me feel things I had never felt before, I literally went weak all over. Just thinking about him made me go weak all over.

I was mad about him for years, carrying a picture of him with me when I left London to study for my A’ Levels and go to university. I had other relationships but until I met my husband no one came close. The last time I saw Heathcliff was at Marco’s restaurant in Wandsworth in about 1987. He was still devastating.

Sadly to Heathcliff I was more of an Isabella Linton than a Cathy. He liked me well enough; he once even told someone that if he ever had to get married “I would marry Helena”. But he was never in love with me. He was in love with another girl from the same crowd, Rachel Weiss who went on to become a famous actress. Bitch.

Marco’s phone call in Los Angeles of course brought it all back to me.

“I opened the Daily Mail and couldn’t believe it,” he said. “There you were. So I got my people on to the Mail and they came back with your address. I said I don’t want her bloody address, get me her number. How are you? Are you happy? Married? Children?”

We talked for a while and all the time I was longing to ask him the one question he might know the answer to. How is Heathcliff? But they had probably lost touch by now. Last I heard Heathcliff was living with a model in Colombia, so he was probably dead by now. If he wasn’t dead he was bound to be married so actually was there any point in asking?

“Frith Powell, it’s so good to talk to you,” said Marco. It was really good to talk to him too. Talking to someone who has known you for over twenty years is quite an experience, especially for someone as peripatetic as me. It made me feel very secure.

“And you’ll never guess who I’m in touch with on a daily basis,” he added. I could almost hear him grinning on the other end of the phone all the way from London.

Oh yes I will.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

A rose by any other name

Voici un IrisSpring is here. I know because the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and a yellow and black salamander keeps falling into the pool. We are on constant pool-watch and have already rescued him three times. We even put some bleach in to try to deter him, but he’s a stubborn little thing.

It’s a relief to send the children off to school without coats and gloves, but for them the hard work is just beginning. I saw on French television yesterday that the government has concluded children are lacking in vocabulary. Voici une Jacinthe“They know the word for flower,” said an official spokesman. “But they can’t distinguish between, for example, a hyacinth and an iris.” Well, there is something we have in common, because neither can I. So once again I am in awe of the French educational system and relieved that my children will grow up to be so much more accomplished than I am.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

A disturbing phone call

During my stay in LA I woke up one day to a disturbing message on my mobile phone. “I know you’re in America, Frith Powell, call me,” said a deep male voice. I didn’t recognise the voice and immediately feared the worst.

“It’s already happened,” I thought as I hid behind the curtains of my room in the Beverly Hills Hilton. “I’m not even famous and I have a stalker.”

I told my husband about it who seemed very relaxed. “It’s probably some ex-boyfriend whose voice has broken since you last saw him,” he said.

I looked at my mobile phone. The same number had tried to call me a few times. It was a UK mobile number. Partly through fear, but mainly through stinginess, I didn’t call it back.

Later that day I was having lunch with Jennifer a screenwriter friend from LA. We were at The Ivy, which is just as posh over there as it is in London. I’m glad Jennifer showed up for two reasons; one she is good company and two before she arrived me (being nobody) was stuck at a table inside (where only the losers dine) not gazing at all the stars as I had imagined, but with my nose stuck against a cupboard in the corner of the restaurant (I mean, hello?, don’t they know I have a stalker?). Luckily Jennifer got us a table outside in the sunshine.

Just as we sat down my mobile phone rang again.

“Frith Powell?” said the same deep voice.

“Who are you?” was my first question.

“I once took you to see Desperately Seeking Susan, I know you have a step-father in Oxford and you did your A’ Levels there.”
My mind was racing. Was this some ex-boyfriend I should know? Was it a stalker? Desperately Seeking Susan, that was about a million years ago.

“You’re going to die when you hear who this is,” said the voice.

My stalkerNice voice actually. But who the hell did it belong to?

“This is Marco.”

“Who?”

“My name is Marco, Marco Pierre White.”

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

Home sweet home….

Welcome homeAlthough some things in life are entirely predictable (like Air France losing my bag which did happen as I said it would) children are at times brilliantly unpredictable.

As I stood waiting for my luggage which I already knew wouldn’t arrive Olivia barged her way past four security guards (carrying machine guns, it’s a dangerous place Montpellier airport) to the passenger area and threw her arms around me. Her first comment (very loud it was too) was about my new hair. “Will it fall out when you have a shower?” she asked. I had just made a new friend on the plane from Paris who looked amazed and moved a little further away from me. I’ve a feeling we won’t be seeing her again.

Next in was Leonardo who put his chubby little arms around my neck and said: “Did you got my shoes? Where is them?” Sadly ‘they is’ in the case that went missing, but a lady from Air France assured me it was not lost just “delayed.” I love the concept of my suitcase being delayed, rather like it has a life of its own. Next it will be ‘on the other line’ or ‘eating lunch’.

When I got home Bea told me she had a present for me and that it was under my pillow. I opened a package stuck together with about two metres of masking tape to find a small rubber goldfish and a pair of nail scissors, just what I always wanted.

I’m so looking forward to seeing them all tonight, Bea will be doing handstands in the kitchen as I cook, Leo will be playing with his new cool pick-up truck with surfboard from Laguna Beach and Olivia will be doing her homework and telling me I don’t understand it (which I normally don’t). Rupert will be lighting the fire and pouring me a glass of wine. All is as it should be. Maybe the suitcase will show up in time to eat too. Now that would be unpredictable.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

Things I will miss about LA

Farewell LAI am getting ready to leave LA and head back home. I can’t wait to see them all, it seems I’ve been away for months. But there are things I will miss about LA. Driving around in my red convertible listening to 92.7 Jill FM for example. And just an aside, why is it songs you haven’t heard for years sound so much better when you hear them on the radio than when you buy the CD?

I will also miss the service here. There is no doubt the Americans have that sorted, unlike the French, who hate serving you and don’t try to hide it. I also like the familiarity of the Americans. When you walk into a shop or a restaurant they smile and say hi as if you’ve been wandering in there for the last seventy years. And the new friends I’ve made here have been incredibly quick to accept me and hang out with me. In fact I’ve made more friends in LA in five days than I have in the Languedoc in six years. Maybe that’s because they know I’m leaving soon.

But most of all I will miss my satellite navigation system. It’s amazing. I key in an address and this rather feisty woman says: “Please fasten your seat-belt” and then we’re off. “Take a right at Wilshire Boulevard, then stay left on ramp towards Santa Monica”. Wherever I want to go, she has the answers.

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if life came with it’s own sat nav system? You’re about to leave your job and the feisty woman says: “Do not leave job now. Your boss may be trying to sleep with you but the next one won’t even notice you exist, it’s not a good career move.” Or if you’re about to buy a dodgy dress. “Do not make this purchase; you look like an over-grown meringue in it.” Or you’re planning to turn down a date. “Recalculate:You should date this guy; he is going to be the next Bill Gates.”

Sadly we only have our own sat nav systems which often fail us. Like mine did when I booked my ticket and decided to have an extra day in LA as opposed to going home because I thought I’d come all this way and wouldn’t it be nice to just walk on the beach. Not as nice as it would be to see my little ones.

The final thing I will miss is my luggage. I have yet to fly Air France and arrive at the same time as my bags.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

Laughing on Laguna Beach

You probably thought I couldn’t get any loonier, what with the smart-lipo, fake hair and convertible car. But this morning I find myself on a beach in southern California, running towards the sea, clapping my hands and mimicking a sea-lion. This kind of behaviour is all perfectly normal at the Laguna Beach Laughter Yoga Club and I have to say, there are worse ways to start the day. (Maybe not for the sea-lion.)

A laughing matter

I join a group of people who meet at 7.45 am every morning to laugh (it’s no laughing matter if you have to leave LA at 6am to get there in time.) The club is run by Jeffrey who has been a Yoga teacher for 34 years and laughing since 2005. He is 52 but doesn’t look a day over 40. Proof, if it was needed, that laughing is the cure for ageing. Mind you, he has a pretty nice life. Instead of staring at people’s armpits on the district line first thing; he watches dolphins leap in and out of the water from one of the prettiest beaches I have ever seen.

His laughter group varies in size from day to day but as far as I can make out there are four or five who come every day. One of them has a large family and has been known to show up with twelve of them on some days.

The idea is to laugh for your health, use it as an exercise. The benefits are huge; not just do you feel better by releasing endorphins, but laughing helps control high blood pressure, increase stamina, increases blood supply to internal organs and a host of other things. It’s also great for stress, which as we all know is a killer. So what are you waiting for?

Actually it’s quite hard work. I find after a while my face muscles start to ache, which just shows what a miserable type I must be. And I’ll be honest, at times I feel slightly foolish, like when three gorgeous, well-built, tanned, toned (not that I was looking) Laguna Beach lifeguards walk by dressed in tight navy blue shorts and T-shirts while I’m busy pretending to be a laughing lawn-mower. Believe me, it’s not a good look. But making a fool of yourself is not something you can think about if you’re in a Laughter Yoga class.

I am impressed with the group, and especially with Jeffrey who is refreshingly sane and good company for someone who spends hours a week on a beach laughing at nothing. They are all warm, welcoming and seem like a very nice bunch of people.

In fact my whole trip has been peppered with nice Americans. I’ve been so impressed at how open and friendly and generous they are. And now I’ve met a bunch of women with normal-sized breasts in Beverly Hills I think I could really fit in here. I might even start a Laughter Yoga Club on Venice Beach.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

Ciao Bello…..

Those of you who have read my memoir Ciao Bella may recall that when I was 14 my father made an unusual bet with me. He bet me that a young man sitting at a table next to us in St Mark’s Square in Venice was American. I thought he looked Italian.

“If he’s Italian I’ll take you shopping all day tomorrow,” said my father. “If he’s American, you have to lose your virginity to him.”

Peter's also dreamyBefore I could protest my father had engaged the tall, dark, handsome stranger in conversation. He was, of course, American. I didn’t lose my virginity to him, but I wish I had. Years later I saw recognised him in a film, his name is Peter Gallagher and he has starred in lots of films including Sex, Lies and Videotape and While you Were Sleeping.

When I come back to the hotel this evening I notice the foyer is full of people in glittering ball-gowns and tuxedoes. Being an investigative hackette I thrust my way into the crowd and start asking questions. A lady dressed in something gold and shiny tells me there is a celebrity performance of Guys and Dolls in aid of the Alzheimer’s Association of California Southland.

“Who are the celebrities?” I ask.

“I think they’re from Grey’s Anatomy,” she replies.

On hearing this I immediately push my way to the front of the press desk, thrust my card in the press officer’s hand and ask if I can meet Dr McDreamy. Just imagine how excited the girls will be when I tell them. I can even ask him if he loves Meredith or his dreary wife. Actually forget the girls, how excited will I be? Will I have time to get changed beforehand?

“Who?” says the press officer.

“Dr McDreamy, you know, from Grey’s Anatomy.”

“That was last year,” he smiles. “This year it’s the cast from Rescue Me and Peter Gallagher will be presented with a special award for his work in support of the association.”

So no Dr McDreamy, but Mr McVirginityBet. I briefly wonder if I should try to meet him. Of course there’s no way he’ll remember me, with or without Alzheimer’s, but it would be fun to see him. The press officer gets distracted by someone else and so I walk towards the lift. Yet another missed night with Peter Gallagher. Maybe it will be third time lucky.

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

What’s wrong with a B-cup?

I am trying my best to fit in to LA life. I have rented a red convertible mustang, bought some gawdy gold shoes and even went to a Pilates class last night. My big hair and Smart-Lipo recovery corset also help. But still things are not quite right.

Homage to the Implant, Jessica Townsend, 2004

There seem to be two things missing; breasts. As far as I can make out, no one in LA has normal tits. I’d be amazed if you can even buy a B-cup bra anywhere in this city. Everyone from the sales assistants to the ladies-who-lunch on Rodeo Drive have implants. Or maybe they’re not implants, maybe there’s something in the water that stimulates the mammary gland and they’re all natural; but somehow I doubt it.

Yesterday I went to interview a leading LA dermatologist. In his waiting-room there was a rather (no, incredibly) tacky bronze statue of a mother and child called ‘Mother’s Love – Father’s gem’. This is the kind of thing Americans can somehow say without throwing up, like when you ask them how they are and they reply; “I’m feeling really good about myself, really positive. I went through a rough patch but now I’m like totally over all that and I feel a sense of wholeness I didn’t before.” Just a plain “fine” would have sufficed.

But back to the statue. The mother is gazing adoringly at the daughter, a toddler aged about three. She has her arm around the child. The toddler is gazing adoringly at the largest breasts I have ever seen.

I once saw a Rodin statue called Young Mother and Child. The naked mother in seated, the child is in her lap and their heads are close together. It is a beautiful depiction of the close bond between mother and child. I guess this is what the aim was here; but the thing that really hits you, as is so often the case in LA, is the ridiculous size of the breasts.

But the anti-ageing treatments seem to be having some effect. Yesterday I walked past a man sitting at a bus stop. “You got some change to help me get a sandwich,” he asked. After a week in New York I can barely afford my own sandwich so I walked past briskly. Then he added the words “young lady”. I immediately turned around and gave him a couple of dollars.

Today I am meeting a friend for lunch at the Ivy. This is LA’s “leading celebrity restaurant” and apparently when stars want to deny they’re splitting up they eat lunch there so the paparazzi can see them together. I’ll keep you posted on who is being dumped. A website tells me Brad Pitt was seen there recently but I don’t hold out much hope; he now lives with Angelina in New Orleans.
My only problem now is where to find a decent pair of tits before lunch? Maybe room service?

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

LA madness

Welcome to LaLaLand...I think if I lived in LA I would never need to go to the movies (as we like to call them in downtown LA); I would just amuse myself watching people in the street. I only arrived four hours ago but I have seen more to make me laugh than you do in downtown Pezenas (where I live) in a year.

The first thing was at the hotel where two coloured men were admiring the fish tank by the lifts. It is full of fish (funny that) and brightly-coloured coral. What was so amusing was that one of the men had dyed his hair half orange and half yellow. In fact it bore an uncanny resemblance to the coral in the fish tank. I bet the fish were as amazed by him as he was by them.

On Rodeo Drive I saw a classis Los Angeles Lollipop Lady (so-called due to their pencil-thin shape with head stuck on top). She was wearing shoes so high they could almost be defined as stilts, a rather loose-fitting summer dress which revealed two perfectly surgically enhanced breasts and of course large shades. She was standing around trying not to topple over when her designer pet, a boxer puppy, spotted another dog and went for it like a boy-racer in a Porsche. Said Lollipop lady had no option but to trot along on her stilts trying to retain her composure and not knock herself out with her enhanced breasts.

Then of course there was the obligatory lunatic. This one looked like Pamela Anderson in twenty years’ time (how scary a thought it that?) and was wearing fluorescent green velvet tracksuit trousers with a matching (does anything match fluorescent green velvet?) vest. Her hair (correction, someone else’s hair) went all the way down to her bottom in blonde waves. I don’t even need to tell you the state of her lips (again, the fish would have recognised one of their own), the body shape (tits on a stick) or the general air of madness.

I have also seen some very attractive people. One coming down the pavement towards me at about fifty miles an hour on a skateboard wearing an open shirt and jeans. At least I think he was attractive, he went by too fast to really be sure.

I am here until Saturday, partly to investigate the benefits of something called Laughter Yoga on ageing. Who needs the yoga?

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007

Big hair, small stomach

Hair Don'tThe week after Britney Spears ended up with no hair, I ended up with twice as much. At Rodolfo Valentin’s salon in New York I have been treated to his famous “hair infusions.” They are an advanced form of hair extensions that don’t damage your hair but still make you look like a Desperate Housewife (which of course is my main aim in life). As you walk into the salon there is a big poster which reads: Come in with the hair you’ve got, leave with the hair you want.”

I had had a particularly dreadful haircut (at Harvey Nichols can you believe it?) and every time I looked in the mirror my hair made me alternately depressed, at how limp it looked, and furious at how much money it cost. Anyway Rodolfo sorted me out. I wafted out of his salon feeling like a million dollars. Even my husband (who normally hates all this sort of thing) concedes I am now more fun to be with and look better.

As I write I am tucked up in bed having had the treatment I warned you about below. This is called smart-lipo and is a much less violent form of liposuction which not only removes fat deposits but tightens the skin.

At the moment I look (and feel) like a mad-woman. I am wearing a strange black corset and my stomach (the area my new best friend Dr. LookGood treated) is swollen and slightly sore. The two pin-prick areas he used to get to my fat are turning a rather nasty shade of blue. But otherwise I feel amazingly good.

This might sound insane to you but in the interests of the book I felt I had to try it. And of course it helps that Dr. LookGood has promised me my stomach will be flat for the rest of my life. This is extremely good news for someone who has suffered from a pot belly since the age of nine and whose body has been ravaged by three children and industrial quantities of pasta.

“It’s like doing five million sit-ups,” Dr LookGood told me as I lay on his treatment bed and he manipulated a laser around my fat deposits. I will be uncomfortable for a couple of days but not nearly as uncomfortable as I would be doing five million sit-ups.
Anyway, I leave you with a brilliant quote from Bill Maher in the Los Angeles Times: “When you look at Britney [Spears], head shaved, half-naked, drunk, crying, puking, walking into walls, crazy as a loon, remember: This is the woman, back in 2003, who said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes.”

And I think Tony Blair is a jolly good bloke…..

Copyright: Helena Frith Powell 2007